pt. 4 injury - the athlete's worst nightmare

Last March 8, I broke my leg. My right femur (thigh bone) totally snapped.

(Mentally written diary over the course of the month)

I write this with tear-stained cheeks and trembling fingers. I am broken-hearted. My muscles ache. And I am petrified at the thought of having to surmount a seemingly insurmountable tempest. But bleak as it may seem, I am far from defeated. And I face tomorrow with whatever strength and resolve I have left in my soul. Because even though there are times when I just want to curl up in a corner and cry, I’ve discovered that I’m an inherently stubborn individual who has enough guts to go against the odds and scream “FUCK YOU” with such animalistic savagery when I’m backed up against the wall.



“I won’t be told anymore that I’ve been brought down in this storm.”



I stood up today. And that is a big thing. Especially when the first doctor who’d examined me evaluated that I should expect at least 6 months before I could get up on my feet. It doesn’t matter that I had to use crutches. I stood up unaided, without having to cling onto people’s shoulders, and that is a great victory for me. Sifu Bruce Lee was injured (broke his back --- an injury far worse than my own) when he was about my age and was bedridden for 6 months. He was told he’d never kick again. It was at that point that he said he subscribed to Krishnamurti’s philosophy that “there is no help but self help”. After that harrowing experience, he came back to prove naysayers wrong. Not only was he able to walk again. He could kick again. And he became a better martial artist than he ever was. Krishnamurti’s words rang so loudly in my ears as I willed myself up while everyone was out of the house thinking I was fast asleep. Sure, friends and family are there. And I’ll be forever grateful for the strength and I drew from their encouragement. For the love and compassion they so freely gave me. But they can only do so much. And I don’t want to be dead weight they’d have to carry. I don’t want to be dependent on them to the point of annoyance. I’m not a charity case just yet. And though I surmise that I am indeed in a pitiable condition, I don’t want --- I don’t need pity. I have enough self pity as it is.



When I close my eyes at night, I still get visions of the moment I was trying to get up and wondering why my leg wouldn’t respond. I still feel the confusion. I still feel the disbelief which ran through me like a thunderbolt as I looked down and saw my leg looking WRONG (hanging limp and bent almost backwards). My agonized screams from each time I was lifted or transferred from one bed or stretcher to another still echo in my ears. I still see the hurt look in the eyes of relatives and friends as I screamed.



I still sometimes feel as if my leg’s disconnected from me. So much so that I have slap, grab and feel it so I could be reassured.



And I wake up at night because my leg hurts as it jerks instinctively ---trying to kick--- whilst I’m asleep.

It seems that my body got so accustomed to me throwing punches and kicks everyday that my instincts still kick in.



“You must do more than just learn and understand the techniques (in martial arts). You must practice these techniques until they become your natural reactions. Then, you will have confidence and be able to overcome your own fear which is the hardest lesson of all fighting arts.”

– Sifu Duncan Leung (Wing Chun Kung Fu Grandmaster)



I’ve always believed that martial arts was directed inwards --- towards one’s own self--- rather than outwards --- towards one’s opponent. The highest level of martial art one can achieve is to be able to slay his own fears and personal demons rather than opponents. True, it feels good knowing you can kick ass. And it feels even better actually kicking people’s asses (when they deserve to get their asses kicked in, mind you) but that’s shallow and it gets stale after a while. A warrior need not fight every single would-be challenger. One must think. Do I have a need to prove that I’m better than he is? Do I have any doubt within me? The answer is almost always yes for insecure fighters who know not what’s inside of themselves.



I know that I still have so much fear, anger, and so many other inner demons which I have yet to slay. And with this injury, I know that I have mountains of doubt to climb over.



So I tread along the warrior path.

Injury or no injury, I shall keep on walking.

And I’ll eventually get there.

Wherever “there” may be.

With baby steps for now.



Wheelchair. Crutches. Cane.



Lie. Sit. Stand.



Walk. Run. Jump.



KICK!



-Christopher John S. Minoza “The Fist of the Mortal Flame”